Bridges

My daughter has been “testing the limits” lately. Even though this is a normal thing for kids to do, it is really unusual for her and has caught me off guard.

It all started a couple of weeks ago. She had a friend over and seemed to do the exact things that she knew she wasn’t supposed to do — and had never done before.

How I responded was not my best parenting moment. I took the whole thing personally.

“Why is she doing this to me?”

What followed wasn’t a loving teaching moment between mother and daughter in which I guided her development and maturation. It was a good old-fashioned scolding — the kind that even when it was happening I knew I was going down the wrong path and saying things that I would later regret. The kind in which I was being so righteous, it later took me not one, but two conversations to clean things up completely.

A couple of weeks went by and we hosted another sleep over for she and a friend at our house. In the generous way that life does, I was offered another parenting-growth “opportunity.” My daughter stepped over the line again; perhaps even a little bit farther than last time.

Did I react and get angry? Absolutely. But something was different.

After the parenting debacle of the previous week, I had made a commitment to myself. The commitment was to not take her “testing” personally, and above all to not punish her for doing just the kind of thing that kids do when they are learning, growing, and expanding. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to guide her actions and choices when she’s acting out, but that there’s truly an opportunity to make a difference for her when my focus is on her and not on myself.

So this past weekend through my anger I remembered the commitment I made to myself and to my relationship with her. Even though I was mad, I actually reacted less and listened more. I made it less about me and my feelings and more about finding out what is going on with her. I helped her think through the choices she was making; starting from the first moment her choice occurred to her as a bad idea, to the unintended possible consequences for having overridden her gut instinct. In the end, she took responsibility for her choices and reparation was made.

The magical moment though came as the weekend was winding down. My daughter came to me and said that she had taken some time and imagined what it might be like for me to be a parent. She put her arms around my neck and told me I am a good mom.

In that moment I saw from the outside in what it is to put oneself aside and to get into another person’s world. I was touched by her generosity, maturity, and the understanding she offered me; and I had one of those moments I am so familiar with in being her mom in which I wished I were just like her.

In that moment I saw “testing the limits” from a new perspective. My daughter is testing the limits of what she knows about herself and the world in all ways. Sometimes that might be challenging for us both, and other times it is miraculous. I’m still learning the lessons she’s currently giving herself by testing her limits. She knows what it is to put oneself aside, to get into another person’s world, and to offer them acceptance and understanding.

I read this article to my daughter to get her feedback, before allowing it to be published. Her response to it was as follows: “I love it. You finally understand me.”

Editor’s Note: To make a comment on this essay click on the ““comments” button below Cris’ bio, or look for the white box at the bottom of the page. If you want more info, go here for step-by-step instructions.

This essay was created by Dr. Cristin Whiting, Psy.D: Triad Tribe author, clinical psychologist, and adjunct professor at Wake Forest University. In addition to writing for Bridges, Cristin is launching a new website and multimedia blog called The Love Tango: The Extraordinary Dance Between Sex, Love and Intimacy. Cristin also writes monthly on the topic of relationships for Dr. Lara Fernandez.com who’s tag line is “Live the life of your dreams with your soulmate by your side.” She also blogs for Triad Mom’s on Main. Beyond her writing, Cristin is the mother of two children who are the joy of her life. She also volunteers as a leadership coach, empowering others to live lives they love so they can be a contribution to their communities. Cristin currently resides in Winston-Salem and has a private psychotherapy practice.

To read Cristin’s other Bridges’ Articles from 2012 click here.